Apsara

2004-11-27T05:40:00.000-08:00

...RESPECT...

KEEP YOUR SELF

2004-11-27T05:03:00.000-08:00

in this world of lies and deceit, being yourself - and I mean utterly vulgar on how you feel and think - is not a very wise option anymore. We have to accept that there are those who are "strong" and and there are those who are not. Sure you can be honest, but only to people you trust. We are free to choose who we are and how you want others to know you, but the consequences are inevitable. It is a right which is not absolutely free. Many hold the power to make you feel bad about yourself and being alienated from the herd, and worse, you can't tell them off. "Let them be", they say, let them scorn you, belittle you, discriminate you, exempt you from the privileges, your own wants... your needs. Life is like a game, you make strategies to achieve your goal. Give some hints and your trust to your allies but you leave most to yourself. Who knows what happens next? Life doesn't always turns out just the way you planned you know. Keep in mind that in this game, everybody gets their turn.

Just too tired

2004-11-12T22:24:00.000-08:00

Oftentimes in my life, I get so exhausted from what I normally do,and that most of the things I normally do is talking. I'm a non-stop jabbering machine. I blab about a lot of things - sensible, baloneys , and the just plain nonsense. But most of the time I talk for who I really am. I'm strip naked when I talk. Yet sometimes I just can't stand why people say I don't know what I'm saying; that I have to watch my mouth... uhmm.. what's that word?... oh yeah, INSENSITIVE! I admit I was once a suspect of it as well as its victim. But am I still? In fact nowadays, I find myself very tender. At the end of the day I cry simply of just being tired. I'm pretty sure I know what I'm saying most of the time, and I mean them, I know it hurts people. Euphimism is not my game, so they just can't blame me of their guilt. I'm not also numb, I know how they'd feel and maybe I want them to feel that way otherwise they'd probably think im not serious on what I'm saying. The only numbness I'd feel is when my butt becomes pale white from sitting slack on the plastic chair staring at the ceiling for hours reflecting whether saying "thanks" is much less sincere than "thank you". I don't get it why they label me such when I am easily bothered by the silliest things? I'm a worry-wart that's for sure. I'm worried if I don't get to be on the DL this sem when this is the only chance that I'd get to be one. I'm worried if my mum would run out of money to send me. I'm worried if I won't be able to pay my "utang" to half of my classmates and mangutang again to the other half, lest they be warned. I don't want to borrow money but I just have to. If only I could a part time job, but I can't because studying nursing requires all of my time, save my time for sleeping and blogging. Hay... I'm so tired of talking and thinking. My white hairs are showing again. I can't even stare blankly at the walls of my room because I'm too tired to go home; especially when I have to borrow my fare for a trisibot ride to my abode. These freely internet cards is such a blessing. I know I could sell them. But I'd rather use it to blog.

Confessions of an RO addict

2004-10-31T02:16:00.000-08:00

I'm still sick! I thought i was cured... I thought i had finally let go and im falling into the simple bliss of having an inexpensive happy life... but to my horror I found my frantic hands entangling, instead of untangling me from the tentacles of upon choirs and choirs of mandragora and hydra combined. See? The terms I use already bespeaks my obsession!!! Or, my depression...

Everyone needs a blog whether to burp out thoughts of confused perplexion of one's complex mind, or just to vomit squirming worms of one's frustration. But me, I need ragnarok for this and blog for realization. I need ragnarok to console me and a blog to reform me. Ragnarok is my beer and blog is my coffee. Ragnarok is my punching bag and blog is my bandage. Ragnarok is like a dream and blog is my journal. (yes, I already pronounced it as a journal in my last blog.) Ragnarok is my punch and blog is the punch i get. Ragnarok is my shouting room and blog is a slap of someone who cared to stop me from shouting and going insane. And if I don't stop now, I could go on forever. And if I don't find a cure for this, or a friend strong enough to replace my obsession, it remains that ragnarok as my ego and blog my alterego.

Could someone get a doctor?

Journal does equals blog smack on face

2004-10-21T05:13:00.000-07:00

The dark tobacco water washes down my hair; flushing all my white hairs away. While vigorously fluffing my hair dry with towel, I walked by past the mirror. And lo! The youth and beauty, once smudged by the worries and nerdly pressures, stared straight at me. Charmed I was. But a sudden thought flashed in my mind: "what the hell did I just write in my blog?!"
To everyone who read that and raised an eyebrow: Pardon my being pathetically scrupuluous. That nagging geezer got also washed away. (to be continued...)

Blog not equals Journal

2004-10-20T03:58:00.001-07:00

I dunno why most people just bluntly blurt out things in their blog and not just things but even secrets. I mean, yes, that's what blogging is all about - to spit all your blahs and ho-has that the world seems to deprive you of - but it's a far different thing from a journal...well, my own definition of a journal - which is in fact close to the universal meaning of it.

Wilson's Dictionary

journal: n. a compilation of a medium on where one can vent inner thought and desires which are too personal to let others know.

don't you think that's a BIG contrary to what a journal is??? quote personal quote. i know what you're thinking:
"how long have you been blogging to give that assertion?"
Just lately.
Then you retort,"no wonder."
why? is it just a phenomenon that happens to newbies? A newbie syndrome? Maybe. And if I do, at least I have something to remind me of what-was-once-my-sanity before I get nibbled down into emptiness.

Emptiness... maybe that's what happened to my friend after his countless confessions in his blogs. To confess is therapeutic but revelations are too destructive. But don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against bloggers who cherish their blogs as journals or let alone blogging. that's ludicrous. I'm not also saying that they should stop from treating their journals as their bestest friends to which they can strip their whole entirety naked and it's alright for everyone else to locate the coordinates of every pubic, freckle, and wart they have. Please do. I blabber as an advocate of privacy and Privacy says it's too much... It is my sole purpose to slap people in their drooling faces to wake them up from the sweet trance that the enemy, Exposure, had laid upon them.

Slap!
"Everyone, I'm so in love with...!"
Slap!
"I got busted!"
Slap!
"Shh.. don't tell anyone that I'm gay..."
Slap!
"My password is..."
Slap!
"What?!?"

Go start blogging again

Discovery... or rediscovery

2004-10-14T02:20:00.000-07:00

"BLOG!"
What am I going to write about?
i was searching and surfing the web for abortion for this freaking debate... Suddenly, I realized that what i was doing was practically boring me, let alone the topic im searching for...

"BLOG!"
As every contemporary surfers would do when they end up blank in the search engine - friendster...

"BLOG!"
Welcome Wilson! the page came up and greeted me with the handsome, dreamy, stunning image of me... Gaze at my friends in tiny icons in the friends catalog... and their it is... amidst the colorful visages... the disturbing image of tribe woman with scorched skin in black and white... disturbing for the primitive like woman is a sophisticated blogger!

"BLOG!"
I read the posts in her blog and they exactly complemented with my rambling thoughts... and I wondered why I haven't signed up yet when I knew of this stuff ages ago! the moment served me right for in an instant I have the urge to create my own blog, to create the den on where to spit the jumbled emotions struggling and fighting within me!

"BLOG!"
Now i can conquer them! mwahahaha! I can hurl my fatal words that would vanquish my madness, so that I would finally rest in tranquility! The time has come!!!... and.... what??? my time is also over???!!! damn internet cafes!!!... shit.

"BLOG!"